How To Become A Sports Fan, pt. 1

August 28, 2008

So you want to be a sports fan.  Congratulations, you have chosen a very rewarding path in life.  Maybe stressful at times, in fact, always stressful.  And it’s a moneyhole.  But very rewarding. But this decision also comes with questions.  What sport do I watch?  Which league?  What team?  Do I like players not on my team?  Why does everyone hate the commissioner of every sport?

This series of posts will answer all these questions.

The first decision you must make is “”Which sport do I like?”

This is a very critical decision, as it says a lot about you as a person and will cause everyone you know to judge you.

I will cover the big five sports.

Baseball: A sport rich in history, tradition, steroids, and way too much thinking.  To be a baseball fan you have to decide how you feel about a million and one issues.  Inter-league play, steroid usage, instant replay, flavors of chew, Barry Bonds, the list goes on.  But wait, you have to think more.  To be a serious fan you need to learn statistics, sabermetrics, and the entire history of the sport.  You have to know every single World Series, every single record.  And every single douchebag move Bud Selig has made.

Football (the American variety): The cool guy’s sport.  You can take it seriously, but other football fans will think you’re a nerd.  So how do you watch football if you’re not thinking seriously?  You buy a jersey and get drunk.  Football is all about being a man. You watch sweaty men tackle other sweaty men and yell when the wrong ones get tackled.  Some would argue this is a simplistic view of the sport.  Guess what?  They’re nerds.

Football (soccer): Be careful when picking this sport.  If you are from Europe or Australia or South America or anywhere that’s not USA, it’s totally cool and normal to pick this sport.  In fact, pretend the entry about American football is about your football.  For the Americans, this is the emo sport.  You buy scarves and pretend to watch games for teams that you probably can’t even pronounce properly.  Madrid Real is not said like reel, douches.  It’s said “Ray-ahl”

Hockey:  This is a tricky one.  It’s an exciting game with both history and violence, but you have to complain about abso-freaking-lutely everything.  Did fights go up this month?  There’s too much fighting in the NHL.  Did it go down?  There needs to be more, so get rid of penalties.  Is the league shrinking?  Stop denying small markets their rightful teams.  Is the league expanding?  We should be playing with the Original 6.  But most of all, you must complain about Gary Bettman.  He’s the commisioner of the NHL, and everything he’s done is flat out wrong.

Finally, Basketball: This is the most expensive of games.  You must own a jersey of your team, a Kobe Bryant jersey, and a pair of shoes designed by every NBA superstar, starting with Michael Jordan.  But you have to hate him, while admitting he was the best.  It’s a fine line to walk.


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